


Ana Ketsuno in: When Snowstorms Aren’t Enough To Stop You From Getting The Good-Goodies

by Sweetysweetssugarytreats



Series: The Need For Crack (utterly stupid, nonensic) Strikes Again. [6]
Category: Gintama
Genre: ...weird and unplanned OCs?, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Crack, M/M, Multi, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-20 14:57:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19994101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetysweetssugarytreats/pseuds/Sweetysweetssugarytreats
Summary: "Sir, why would you leave your house during the snowstorm?""I wanted donuts."





	Ana Ketsuno in: When Snowstorms Aren’t Enough To Stop You From Getting The Good-Goodies

**Author's Note:**

> I didn’t think I would ever write a story where I used an author’s note to apologize about another story I still had to write… but I guess we’re here now.
> 
> Also the repetitions snowy/ snow/storm/ snowstorm, crushed/crush etc. are not a coincidence or mistakes, I just wanted to keep repeating the same word in some way lol
> 
> Also I’m dying of heat and drowning in my own sweat so of course I had to write about snow.

"Ana Ketsuno here. What can I say, the situation is as snowy as it can get. Overnight snow has taken the city by storm and as you can see behind me the raging snowstorm continues, with high winds having yet to cease and making drifts coming up to almost a foot. The good news is kids will have fun! As for the adults… maybe they won't have as much fun. Only a few hours ago this was announced as a level two snow emergency. Driving is dangerous in these conditions and folks were told to stay off the roadway unless absolutely, positively necessary."

The camera crew points at a man behind her.

"But it looks like some people still had to leave their homes and get on with their priorities, even in this weather." Ana walks in the snow carefully, trying not to trip, and the camera crew follows her.

It takes almost a minute to get to the man standing on the side of the road with a plastic bag in hand, but once they are only a few feet away Ana holds up her microphone and speaks a little louder to get the stranger's attention.

"'Scuse me, would you mind answering a question? Sir, why would you leave your house during the snowstorm?"

"I wanted donuts."

Silence befalls over the small group at the unexpected answer from the man with dead-fish eyes. He literally looks like he could fall asleep at any minute from the boredom showing in his face and the flat indifference in his voice.

"…"

"…"

"…Excuse me?"

"I craved donuts today and I didn't have any left at home, so I decided to just go out and buy some. But when I looked outside I saw this freaking blizzard and asked myself if it was really worth it risking life over some donuts. And then I thought of my motto."

"…What is your motto?"

"'Fuck life, I want donuts.' That's my motto."

"Uhh..."

"So I bought the donuts. My motto never fails."

"Oh. Uh, well-"

"Wait. Is this going on tv?" There is a faint spark lighting up the eternally bored man's eyes once he notices the cameras and microphone... it weirdly took him longer than necessary to do so. "You mean I'm gonna be famous?"

"Sir, this is not-"

"Finally, this is my time to shine!" He snatches the mic from Ana's hands and pushes her out of the way to get a full shot of himself on the camera. "Look…I don't wanna sound cocky, but I'm actually a genius."

"…"

"I invent things. And I recently invented this revolutionary new thing. It makes your teeth white and keeps you from getting germs and other bad shit in your mouth. I called it 'magic paste that keeps your teeth white and your mouth free of mouth germs.'"

"…"

"…"

"…That has already been invented. It's called toothpaste." Ana delivers the news, quite confused with his 'invention'.

"…"

...But now, what she is curious about is... "Sir, if you didn't know about toothpaste until just recently… how have you been brushing your teeth up until now?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

The man starts running away.

"He's running away!" Ana doesn't waste a second in trying to catch up to him, although the thick veil of white on the ground definitely makes for an unforgiving obstacle during an intense chase. "Wait, sir! Personal hygiene is very important! You shouldn't underestimate it!"

He looks back for a second and somehow trips over something, probably snow, and lands face first in the white and fluffy ice. But that's not enough to deter him and he gets up and keeps running.

"He's evading the question! Take notes reporters, this is what you do when you don't want to be sent on an annoying job that your colleague Richard had to take on but apparently 'couldn't' because he just had a baby when we all know his wife has been cheating on him for the past five years and that baby is definitely not his, if you ask his rich and attractive neighbour next door. And it's not like he even cares since he has been trying to sleep with every woman on his floor for the past five years-"

_BEEEEEP_

_The last minute of the footage will get cut due to personal information being revealed on camera_

_BEEEEEP_

Everyone is trying to catch their breath after the short, honestly very _short_ run, and they are doubled over, panting hard and pretending to wipe off sweat off their foreheads like they just run a 5k. But their state of fitness, or lack thereof, doesn't really matter since they finally managed to catch up to the curly haired man.

"Sir, is there something you wanted to add?" Ana asks him and practically shoves the microphone on his face.

But the guy takes it like he had been ready for that. "I actually have another invention I want to talk about. It's, like, this square and metallic machine I made where you put slices of bread and they come out nice and crisp. I'm also going to add a feature that will char the bread if set to it, which there is really no reason to add at all, because who the fuck would want their bread carbonized, but I'll still just keep it there, you know, just in case." He pauses to shrug. "I called it 'the shiny metal machine that makes your bread come out bruised'. I came up with the name all on my own, in case you were wondering.'"

Ana looks positively crushed, as if she is actually feeling sorry about having to crush this man's expectations and hopes. But the pity on her part only results in another staring contest which is just awkward silence for the spectators there.

"….What you described is… a toaster. It-" Ana looks away, her face screams sadness for some reason. "It already exists."

"…"

"…"

The man's expression is crestfallen, but still manages to result in a deadpan. "…Dammit. Getting into this business is more difficult than I thought."

"Perhaps you should try a change in career?"

Just as he is about to reply, a deep voice cuts through the snowy atmosphere.

_"You fucking idiot!"_

"…Uh-oh. Gotta run again."

Another chase takes place, this one definitely more intense than the first, and honestly it is almost impressive how fast the two manage to be in this thick veil of snow.

"He is chasing him through the snow like a dog trying to get to that bone!" Ana comments out loud, even though there is definitely no need for it.

"Hey, what does that dude have in his hand?" One from the crew comments, and so do the others.

"Is that a pan?"

"Is that a stone?"

"Is that a bird?"

"No, wait, that's-"

"Superman!"

"Don't be stupid Steve. That's a shoe."

"…Oh."

Out of nowhere they see the shoe flying across the sky, almost in slow motion, and hitting the man in the back of his head and making him topple over in the snow.

If they strain their ears they can hear their voices in the distance.

_"I was worried about you!"_

_"Trying to kill me with your shoe is not really showing how 'worried' you were about me! You're aware of that right?! Please tell me you're aware of that!?"_

Of course instead of going to help the crew provides commentary.

"Ooooh that must've hurt."

"It looks like they're having an argument."

"Now it looks like they're having a fight."

"Wait, now it looks like… they're kissing?"

"Hey…. can someone tell me why they are taking their shirts off? In this weather?"

"Heh, seems like they can't keep their hands off each other."

"…Damn. Is this what it means 'not being able to keep your hands off of each other?' I thought it was about fighting to death?"

"Joe… who told you that?"

"My ex-girlfriend."

"And why do you think she is your _ex_ now."

"…Oh."

"Hey! This is a public space!" Ana ignores the bunch and suddenly marches up to the two strangers in worry. "You will be arrested for public indecency if you don't stop immediately!"

The camera pans off to one of the guys from the crew and he is nodding at the scene. "It might be hard to believe, but I've seen stranger things in my life.

Someone else giggles. "I think it's cute."

"I wouldn't exactly use the word 'cute' to describe two half-naked men taking turns in shoving equal parts of snow and tongue down each other's throat… but sure, let's go with _cute_."

"I like seeing men kissing." The guy who called them 'cute' continues.

"We know."

"And I like seeing men kissing… because I like men."

"Yes."

"I like men."

"We know Steve."

"I really like men… a lot."

"Yes, you like men, we know Steve. And so does the whole city, since you decided to hack into national television last year and for ten minutes all the news channel transmitted was you singing 'it's raining men hallelujah' in your sister's swimsuit."

Steve nods pleased. "Those were the good times, man."

"…You were almost arrested."

Steve keeps nodding. "…Yeah, good times. Good times." His chill demeanor takes a turn though and he grabs one of the cameras and holds it as close as he can to his face. "You hear me?! I like men now!"

"Steve stop!"

"Fuck you Cindy! Fuck you!"

* * *

The next day Ana and her crew are back at it again, the weather doesn't seem to have changed in the slightest.

"Day two of this surprising blizzard and the snow has yet to decrease, roads are still inaccessible for the most part." Ana reports, seemingly as normal as always. Out of the corner of her eye she catches sight of one of the men they 'encountered' the previous day, in the same spot. "Oh, he's the guy from yesterday who almost killed that other guy and then almost got arrested for acting indecently in public. Let's go talk to him!"

The walk to the man is quite difficult due to the snow, but it's a short one and it doesn't take long for them to catch up to him.

"Excuse me sir, would you mind answering a question? Why are you out during this unforgiving snowstorm?"

"I wanted mayonnaise."

"…"

"…"

"…"

A shoe suddenly whacks the man square on the face, the impact is so hard it makes him fall a few feet back in the snow.

_"Ow fuck!"_

They find the man with white curls only a little distance away, running towards them and laughing almost maniacally.

_"Who's the one getting revenge now? It's me bitch!"_

_"When was the last time you washed your feet you stinky ass motherfucker?!"_

Ana turns back towards the camera and speaks with decisive seriousness in her voice, completely ignoring the scene happening behind her. "I am seriously starting to worry about this man's lack of hygiene."

"What about the fact that he hit the dude straight in the nose with his shoe?" Someone from the crew asks.

Ana shrugs. "Nah, that's just a show of love."

"Birds of a feather flock together." Another adds.

"More like idiocy is apparently contagious." Someone else contributes.

"Hey, are we using the footage of the last two days?" Steve is the one to ask in excitement.

"…I don't think so."

"Why?"

"'Cause they don't pay us to film half-naked men making out in the snow?" Marcus answers sarcastically

There is a moment of silence.

"Do they…"

"What?"

"…Do they pay you to film men kissing?"

There are two beats of silence before Steve breaks it again.

"Is that… an actual job?"

"…Steve? Steve, I don't like that look in your eyes."

"That's it." Steve concludes, inspired. "I'm quitting!"

"Steve no!"

"It's too late Marcus! I'm finally going to follow my one and true passion!"

"No Steve, wait! You can't do this! You're the best when it comes to editing this stuff! And you're the only one who will work late hours for free! We need you Steve!"

"It's too late Marcus." Steve whispers in an intense tone, even though, once again, the moment is really not that intense, especially from an outsider's perspective.

"Please come back Steve! We have cookies!"

But Steve doesn't turn around.

In the distance they can all hear him scream-

_"And fuck you Cindy!"_

* * *

"Imagine having a girlfriend who's being a bitch…" Toshiro comments out loud after a while, the guys from the camera crew are the only ones around to hear him and watch him shake his head in distaste. "Can't relate." But then he faces one of the cameras and his face quickly morphs into an annoyed grimace. "What I can relate to, though, is having a boyfriend who's being a bitch."

Out of nowhere another shoe flies at him with ninja like speed and strikes him on the nose.

K.O.

"Who's being the real bitch here you weak ass bitch?!"

* * *

_15 minutes later or so…_

* * *

"Uh, guys, I think Marcus is suffocating in the snow. A little help over here?"

Marcus is lying on the snow, sprawled, and if one is paying close attention distinct muffles of how much he misses Steve can be almost deciphered.

"I'll help." Ana replies tiredly and hauls herself up to go and help him.

They all decided to stop shooting and take a break, sitting on the part of the sidewalk that is snow-free, just near the convenience store the two men had gone to for their 'emergencies'.

 _"As she was making her way to her poor, drowning, idiotic colleague, Ana couldn't help but think, and dread, what would the future hold? Has this been all for nothing? When would she finally reach her goal? But a mantra in her mind kept her going, taking one step more determinate than the other… 'This is between me and you… Richard.' That's right, because that is what it comes down to._ _Will Ana Ketsuno find a way to finally beat her biggest and most ruthless rival, Richard? Or will the forces of evil take over the good that's left? Find out in the next episode of-"_

"What are you doing?"

Gintoki blinks out of his momentary stupor to find Toshiro, and the rest of the people, looking at him like he has just grown two other heads on top of his existing one.

"…I am using a low and honestly quite attractive voice to give a brief explanation of what is happening and what could possibly happen in the near future." He explains dryly. "It's my new invention, it's called-"

"Stop. That exists already."

"…"

"…"

"What?"

"Yes, it's called being a narrator. And you can find it in books and almost every movie and trailer ever made." Toshiro looks like a man who has given up while he stares down Gintoki's soul like he has lost all hope in humanity. "…Why are you so stupid?"

"Shut up!" Gintoki yells, but inside… inside he feels empty. He 'tsk's out loud to let his emptiness be known. "Shit… this business is more competitive than I had initially thought."

"Steve would have made a butt joke now." Marcus whispers out of nowhere. "God, I miss Steve."

"Shut up Marcus! No one wants to hear your little bitch ass whining over Steve!"

The guy's face drops into the snow again and he sobs in it.

"Thanks, Joe. You literally made it worse." Someone else now complains.

"Leave me alone! I'm cold and stressed out! Can someone get me a fucking coffee over here or what?!"

"Steeeeveeeeeee!"

Ana closes her eyes and lets out a slow, full-bodied sigh, wondering which is worse: finding herself in this snowstorm, or being forced to have to stay around these guys?

In the end she decides… both, actually.

"I hate this job… and I hate you Richard."

_"Find what happens next in-"_

"Gintoki shut the fuck up!"

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry, I know I have real stories to work on and I’m really trying to work on them…. but I found this vine and I just had to write something sh*tty first???


End file.
